Discover Your Attachment Style: Take the Test Today

Discover Your Attachment Style: Take the Test Today

Hi, I'm Dr. Love, founder of lovezoom-xyz-998724.hostingersite.com/. Over my decade as a relationship psychologist, I've seen countless individuals and couples stuck in frustrating patterns. They ask me, "Why do I always attract the same type of person?" or "Why do we have the same fight over and over again?" The argument might be about the dishes, but the feeling underneath is a much deeper one: "Do you really see me? Am I safe with you? Will you leave me?"

These recurring dynamics aren’t random. They’re often guided by a powerful, invisible force I call your relationship’s “operating system.” This system, known in psychology as your Attachment Style, was programmed in your earliest years and runs in the background of your adult relationships, dictating how you connect with, trust, and love others. Understanding this system is the first, most crucial step to breaking unhealthy cycles and building the fulfilling relationships you deserve. Today, we’re going to uncover yours.

What’s Your Relationship “Operating System”?

Imagine your brain is a computer. When you were an infant, your interactions with your primary caregivers installed a core piece of software: your Internal Working Model. This model is a set of unconscious beliefs and expectations about two fundamental things: yourself and others. It answers questions like:

• Am I worthy of love and care? (Your Model of Self)
• Are other people reliable and trustworthy when I need them? (Your Model of Others)

This early programming, pioneered by the work of psychologist John Bowlby, doesn’t just stay in the past. It becomes the blueprint for your future relationships. It shapes who you’re attracted to, how you handle conflict, and what you fear most in intimacy. It’s why some people find it easy to trust and connect, while others feel a constant push-pull between wanting closeness and fearing it.

The beauty of this is that, like any software, your operating system can be understood, updated, and even rewritten. The first step is to identify which version you’re currently running.

Discover Your Style: The Relationship Questionnaire

This simple, validated tool, developed by psychologists Bartholomew and Horowitz, is a powerful starting point for self-discovery. Read the four descriptions below. While you may see a bit of yourself in more than one, choose the one paragraph that feels most like you in your close relationships. Be honest with yourself—there are no right or wrong answers, only insights.

Paragraph A:
It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me.

Paragraph B:
I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.

Paragraph C:
I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.

Paragraph D:
I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.

Got your letter? Let’s explore what it means.

The Four Adult Attachment Styles: A Deeper Dive

Your choice likely corresponds to one of the four main adult attachment styles. Think of these not as rigid boxes, but as primary patterns of behavior. Let’s break them down.

Paragraph A: Secure Attachment
If you chose A, you likely have a Secure Attachment style. You see both yourself and others in a positive light. You believe you are worthy of love, and you expect others to be generally reliable and caring. In relationships, you’re like a skilled dancer—you can move in close for intimacy and then comfortably step back to enjoy your independence. You communicate your needs effectively and don’t get overwhelmed by conflict.

Paragraph B: Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment
If B resonated with you, you may have an Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment style. You tend to have a negative view of yourself but a positive view of others. Your core fear is abandonment. You crave deep intimacy but worry that your partner doesn’t want the same level of closeness. This anxiety can lead to “protest behaviors”—like excessive texting or seeking constant reassurance—in an attempt to pull your partner closer and calm your fears.

Paragraph C: Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
If you picked C, you might have a Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment style. You hold a positive view of yourself but a negative view of others. Your core fear is the loss of independence. You pride yourself on being self-sufficient and see emotional closeness as a threat to your autonomy. When a partner gets too close, you may feel suffocated and use “deactivating strategies” to create distance, such as focusing on their flaws, emotionally shutting down, or burying yourself in work.

Paragraph D: Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
If D felt most true, you may have a Fearful-Avoidant Attachment style (also known as Disorganized). This is the most conflicted style, characterized by a negative view of both self and others. You simultaneously desire and fear intimacy. You want to connect, but you’re terrified of being hurt, leading to a confusing “push-pull” dynamic. You might draw someone in, only to push them away as soon as vulnerability feels too threatening.

The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Why Opposites Attract and Then Clash

One of the most common pairings I see in my practice is the Anxious-Avoidant dynamic. It’s a magnetic, yet often painful, dance. The anxious partner, fearing abandonment, acts as the “pursuer,” trying to close any emotional distance. The avoidant partner, fearing engulfment, acts as the “distancer,” pulling away to protect their space. This creates a vicious cycle:

1. The anxious partner senses distance and pursues more intensely to feel secure.
2. The avoidant partner feels suffocated by the pursuit and withdraws further to feel safe.
3. The withdrawal triggers the anxious partner’s deepest fear of abandonment, causing them to pursue even harder.
4. The increased pursuit confirms the avoidant partner’s belief that relationships are suffocating, causing them to distance themselves even more.

This isn’t a sign of a lack of love. It’s a clash of survival strategies. Each person is unconsciously drawn to a dynamic that, while painful, confirms their deepest beliefs about relationships. The anxious person confirms “I always have to work hard for love,” and the avoidant person confirms “Relationships always demand too much of me.”

Your Style Isn’t Your Destiny: The Path to “Earned Security”

Here is the most important message I can share with you: your attachment style is not a life sentence. Through conscious effort and new experiences, you can develop what we call an “Earned Secure” attachment. Your brain has the incredible ability to form new neural pathways. You can heal old wounds and learn a new way of relating to yourself and others. The journey involves a combination of inner work and relational healing.

Here is a toolkit to get you started:

1. Become a Student of Yourself: Awareness is the first step. Start journaling. Notice your triggers. When do you feel the urge to pull away or cling? What thoughts are running through your mind? Simply observing your patterns without judgment is a radical act of self-care.
2. Learn to Self-Soothe: If you have an anxious style, your task is to learn to calm your own nervous system instead of immediately reaching for your partner. Practices like deep breathing, mindfulness, or even just a 10-minute walk can help. If you have an avoidant style, your work is to gently reconnect with the emotions you’ve learned to suppress.
3. Practice Secure Communication: Move away from protest behaviors or silent withdrawal. Learn to state your needs and feelings clearly and calmly using “I” statements. For example, instead of “You never text me back,” try “I feel anxious and disconnected when I don’t hear from you for a while.”
4. Lean into Secure Relationships: Healing happens in relationships. A relationship with a secure partner, a trusted friend, or a good therapist can provide a “corrective emotional experience.” They can act as a secure base, showing you a new, healthier way to connect that helps rewire your brain.

A crucial note: The motivation for this work must be for your own peace and well-being, not to change your partner. True security is an inside job. When you focus on healing yourself, you naturally change the dynamic of all your relationships for the better.

Your Journey Starts Now

Understanding your attachment style is like being handed the user manual for your heart. It doesn’t fix everything overnight, but it illuminates the path forward. It gives you a framework to understand your deepest fears and desires, and it provides a roadmap for building healthier, more resilient, and more loving connections—first with yourself, and then with others.

This is the core of what we do here at LovestbLog: Start To Build. It begins with you.

Now I’d love to hear from you. After taking the test, what style resonated most, and what’s one insight you’ve gained? Share your thoughts in the comments below—let’s learn together.