As the founder of LovestbLog, my mission is simple: to help you Start To Build (STB) secure, lasting relationships, starting with a deep understanding of yourself. In my decade of practice, I’ve seen countless brilliant, loving individuals fall into the same frustrating trap: the relationship “dance.”
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where the moment you try to get closer, your partner pulls away? Or, conversely, the moment your partner seeks intimacy, you feel an uncontrollable urge to retreat and breathe? This isn’t fate, and it’s certainly not a flaw in your worthiness. This is the **Attachment System** at work, and once you understand your system’s blueprint, you can stop reacting and start building consciously.
Attachment Theory, pioneered by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, explains that our earliest bonds with primary caregivers create a profound, unconscious roadmap for all future relationships. It’s the single most powerful predictor of relationship satisfaction and longevity. Let’s dive deep into this map and learn how to navigate it.
The Hidden Architecture: Understanding Internal Working Models (IWMs)
The core concept you must grasp is the **Internal Working Model (IWM)**. Think of your IWM as your brain’s deeply grooved script about love. It’s a mental representation of two things:
- Model of Self: Am I worthy of love and care?
- Model of Others: Are people reliable, available, and trustworthy?
These models are not conscious decisions; they are automated processes, internalized from infancy. If your caregiver was consistently available and responsive (your “secure base”), your IWM tells you, “I am worthy, and others are reliable.” You develop **Secure Attachment**. If care was inconsistent, distant, or frightening, your IWM developed defensive strategies, leading to the three types of Insecure Attachment.
Dr. Love’s Insight: Insecure attachment styles are not character flaws. They are brilliant, adaptive survival strategies developed in childhood to maximize connection in an imperfect caregiving environment. What worked to keep you safe then often becomes the destructive force in your adult relationships now.
The Four Adult Attachment Styles: Fears and Focus
The adult model classifies us across two crucial dimensions: Attachment Anxiety (fear of abandonment/rejection) and Attachment Avoidance (fear of intimacy/engulfment). My clinical practice confirms that learning where you and your partner fall on this two-dimensional map is the essential first step.
| Attachment Style | Self-Model (Worthy?) | Other-Model (Reliable?) | Core Relationship Fear |
|---|---|---|---|
| Secure | Positive | Positive | Maintaining independence and intimacy balance. |
| Anxious/Preoccupied | Negative (Deficient) | Positive (Idealized) | Abandonment, rejection, or relationship rupture. |
| Avoidant/Dismissive | Positive (Self-Sufficient) | Negative (Demanding) | Engulfment, loss of autonomy, or loss of self. |
| Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant | Negative | Negative | Intense fear of both intimacy and rejection (a profound internal conflict). |
The Insecure Cycle: Hyper-Activation vs. De-Activation
The most common and painful dynamic I see is the **Anxious-Avoidant Cycle**. This is a classic “push-pull” dynamic where the security strategies of one partner automatically trigger the deepest fears of the other. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of relational stress.
- The Anxious Partner’s Strategy: Hyper-Activation (The Pursuer)
When you sense distance (a delay in texting, quietness, perceived distraction), your abandonment alarm is triggered. You respond with **Hyper-activating Strategies** to restore proximity. This looks like:
- Excessive seeking of reassurance and validation.
- Insisting on immediate conflict resolution (“We have to talk now!”).
- Clinginess or emotional intensity that can feel overwhelming to the partner.
- The Avoidant Partner’s Strategy: De-Activation (The Distancer)
When faced with the anxious partner’s intensity, the avoidant partner’s fear of engulfment is triggered. They respond with **De-activating Strategies** to create space and maintain independence. This looks like:
- Emotional or physical withdrawal (shutting down, stonewalling, leaving the room).
- Minimizing feelings or changing the subject during intimate talks.
- Criticizing the partner for being “too needy” or “too sensitive” to justify distance.
The critical point is this: The anxious pursuit triggers the avoidant retreat, and the avoidant retreat confirms the anxious partner’s fear of abandonment. The more you chase, the faster they run. The more they run, the harder you chase. This loop is the definition of relationship gridlock.
From Reaction to Response: How to Achieve ‘Earned Security’
The great news is that attachment styles are not permanent. You can shift from an insecure style to a **Secure Attachment**—a process known as **Earned Security**. This shift requires consistent, intentional effort to rewrite your **IWMs** through new experiences. It’s about changing the script, not just the lines.
1. Master Emotional Regulation Through Self-Awareness
Change starts with awareness. Before you can ask your partner to meet your needs, you must first take responsibility for regulating your own anxiety and distress. This is a primary focus of my STB methodology.
- Identify the Trigger & The Script: Use reflective journaling to track your reactions. When your partner is quiet, do you immediately assume, “They are planning to leave me” (Anxious Script) or “They are trying to control me” (Avoidant Script)?
- Practice Mindfulness & Self-Soothing: For the anxious style, practice self-soothing when triggered, accepting that discomfort won’t “kill” you. For the avoidant style, practice **gradual vulnerability**—sharing a small feeling instead of instantly shutting down.
- Embrace the Pause: When your attachment alarm goes off, pause before you act. Practice responding to the situation, not automatically reacting from your childhood script.
2. The Gottman Method Crossover: Turning Toward Bids for Connection
Attachment theory meets practical relationship science through Dr. John Gottman’s work on **Bids for Connection**. Bids are the “fundamental unit of emotional communication”—the everyday attempts to seek attention, humor, or affection. They are micro-opportunities to rewrite your IWMs, one successful connection at a time.
The choice is always how you respond to your partner’s bid:
- Turning Toward: Responding positively and engaging with the bid (e.g., Partner: “Wow, look at that sunset.” Response: “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Come here.”).
- Turning Away: Ignoring or dismissing the bid (e.g., Partner: “Wow, look at that sunset.” Response: *Stays silent, keeps scrolling on phone.*).
- Turning Against: Responding negatively or hostilely (e.g., Partner: “Wow, look at that sunset.” Response: “Can’t you see I’m busy?”).
For the Anxious Partner: Focus on clearly expressing your needs using “I” statements rather than resorting to protest behaviors (which are often “Turning Against” Bids). For instance, instead of saying, “You never spend time with me,” try: “I feel lonely when we don’t schedule a specific time for connection this week; I need to know we’re spending Friday night together.”
For the Avoidant Partner: Focus on consciously **Turning Toward** bids, even small ones. If your anxious partner makes a bid for closeness, offer a low-stakes response of proximity, like a brief hug or a confirming glance, rather than full retreat. This builds the emotional “bank account” and helps your partner feel safe enough to give you the space you need later.
Conclusion: The Builder’s Mindset
If there’s one truth I want you to take away, it’s this: **The key to a secure relationship lies in shared emotional regulation.** You are not solely responsible for your partner’s feelings, but you are responsible for how your actions trigger their deepest fears. And they are responsible for the same towards you.
Achieving **Earned Security** means learning to be comfortable with **interdependence**—the anxious person learns they can be whole and valuable even when alone, and the avoidant person learns that intimacy can be safe and enriching without demanding the loss of self.
The STB Challenge: I want you to identify one specific, small trigger in your relationship that sets off the ‘dance.’ Then, commit to practicing the opposite response (self-soothing or turning toward) just once this week. What trigger will you target, and what will your new, secure response be?