I’ve seen it time and again in my practice: a couple is madly in love, their passion is undeniable, and they are committed to forever. Six months after moving in or a year into marriage, they hit a wall. The love hasn’t vanished, but the joy has. The conflict feels suffocating. Why does this happen?
The core problem is this: most people conflate Love with Readiness. Love is a feeling; readiness is a skill set and a structural agreement. You can love someone deeply and still be completely unready to build a lasting, healthy life with them.
As the founder of LovestbLog and a psychologist focused on the STB (Start To Build) philosophy, I developed the framework for the Nectar Readiness Test (NRT). The goal isn’t just to see if you’re compatible, but to assess if your relationship structure can sustain growth, connection, and joy—what I call Relational Nourishment, or the “Nectar.”
The Nectar Metaphor: In classical terms, nectar symbolizes spiritual fulfillment and a superior experience.[1] Psychologically, the Nectar of a relationship is the feeling of being seen, heard, and valued within your interactions.[2] Readiness means you know how to produce and protect that feeling, consistently.
The Structural Deficit: Why Skills Trump Affection
My work, heavily influenced by the evidence-based research of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, shows that successful relationships are determined not by the absence of conflict, but by how well you handle it.[3] You need structural integrity, which is why the NRT focuses on three foundational pillars:
| NRT Pillar | Focus Area | Readiness Analogy |
|---|---|---|
| I. Communication Mastery | Conflict Resolution & Emotional Flow | The Plumbing: Keeping the flow clean and preventing toxic leaks. |
| II. Individual Basis | Self-Awareness & Boundary Integrity | The Foundation: Ensuring each partner is a solid, self-tended pillar. |
| III. Commitment Consistency | Shared Vision & Behavioral Prioritization | The Blueprint: A shared, detailed plan for the long-term future. |
Pillar I: The Art of Repairing (and Preventing) Emotional Damage
To produce Nectar, you must first eliminate the anti-Nectar. Gottman calls these relationship killers the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.[4]
In my experience, Contempt is the most corrosive.[4] It’s sarcasm, eye-rolling, or communicating disgust. If you feel superior to your partner, you cannot value them, and thus, you structurally block the Nectar.[2] Readiness means actively replacing these habits with proactive skills.
The Daily Builders: Bids and Turns
The health of your relationship is often measured in micro-moments. Gottman describes these as Bids for Connection—small, verbal or nonverbal invitations for attention (a sigh, a comment, reaching for a hand).[5]
Readiness is a sustained commitment to Turning Towards your partner’s bids, rather than turning away or against them.[5] If you consistently prioritize your phone over your partner’s small attempts to connect, you are creating a behavioral pattern of low prioritization, regardless of what you say about your “love”.[6]
The Conflict Skill: Starting Soft and Stopping Smart
How you begin a tough conversation predicts how it will end. Readiness demands the use of the Gentle Start-Up.[3]
- Harsh Start-Up (Unready): “You never listen to me! You only care about your job.” (Attacks the person) [3]
- Gentle Start-Up (Ready): “I feel stressed and unimportant when I see the mess in the kitchen. Can we talk about a system that works for both of us?” (Focuses on the feeling and the specific behavior) [3]
The other critical skill is the Repair Attempt. This is your relationship’s “pause button.” It is an intentional action—a joke, an apology, a request for a 20-minute break—to de-escalate the tension before you say something you regret.[3] A ready relationship has established, respected repair signals.
Pillar II: Establishing Self-Sovereignty (The Boundary Mandate)
My STB philosophy is centered on this: you cannot build a healthy relationship until you have built a healthy self. You must know your Attachment Style to understand your emotional blueprints, but readiness goes beyond awareness—it demands action.[7]
Boundary Integrity is the structural foundation.[8] Many clients struggle because they fear asking for time or space.[9] They are hesitant to say “no” to their partner’s requests.[8]
The Boundary Failure Trap: When you cannot advocate for your own time, space, or needs (Pillar II failure), you accumulate resentment. This pent-up frustration then explodes during conflict as generalized Criticism or a Harsh Start-Up (Pillar I breakdown).[3, 9] Unclaimed stress becomes misdirected blame.
To score highly on Individual Basis, you must demonstrate the following readiness behaviors [8]:
- You can decline activities you genuinely do not want to do.
- You express your feelings honestly, responsibly, and directly to the person involved.
- You actively advocate for solitude or personal time without feeling guilty.[9]
- You make your expectations clear rather than relying on your partner to guess them.
Readiness is moving from a defensive posture to a stance of Taking Responsibility.[10] It means accepting influence and acknowledging your part in an issue (“I see your point, and I was impatient earlier. My fault”).[3, 11]
Pillar III: Aligning the Blueprint (The Long-Term Vision)
The third pillar assesses if your individual foundations are aligned for a shared future. Readiness for commitment is not just a feeling of intense love; it is the consistent, observable behavior that prioritizes the relationship.[6]
The Check List Beyond Flaws
Readiness requires moving beyond the “idealization phase.” You must accept each other’s flaws as part of the package, not as temporary annoyances you plan to fix later.[10] If a partner’s habits—financial, messy, or otherwise—are viewed with internal contempt, that relationship is not ready, as the contempt will eventually surface and corrode the Nectar.[4]
Furthermore, you must have transparently navigated the core structural areas, as outlined in models like PREPARE/ENRICH [12]:
- Clarity on Roles & Responsibilities (e.g., house chores, emotional labor).
- Alignment on Core Values, Beliefs, and Financial Philosophy.
- Discussion of Future Expectations (e.g., family planning, career management).
The Final Nectar Test: Finding the Dream
The highest level of relationship readiness is the ability to use conflict for transformative growth.[3] This means looking past the surface argument (e.g., “Why didn’t you do the dishes?”) and identifying the deeper Needs, Values, or “Dreams” driving the fight.[3]
For example, arguing about money isn’t about the specific dollar amount; it might be one partner’s need for Security (a core value) versus the other’s need for Freedom (another core value). A ready couple approaches this with curiosity: “What deep need is my partner trying to express right now?” This compassionate lens is how you ensure the Nectar—being seen, heard, and valued—flows even in moments of tension.[2]
Dr. Love’s Summary & Next Steps
Love is easy; readiness is hard work. If you’re serious about building a durable, joyful, and nurturing relationship, you must commit to the skill set over the feeling. Focus on:
- Eliminating the Toxic: Replacing criticism with gentle “I” statements.
- Building the Daily: Consistently turning towards your partner’s Bids for Connection.
- Mastering the Self: Knowing your boundaries and taking responsibility for your feelings and actions.
- Aligning the Future: Discussing the core values and roles that will govern your life together.
True readiness is the confidence that when the inevitable crisis hits—and it will—you possess the tools to repair the damage and emerge closer than before.[3]
Now, I turn it over to you. Looking at the three pillars, which area (Communication, Individual Basis, or Commitment Consistency) do you believe is the single biggest weakness for most couples today, and why?