Welcome back to the blog, conscious daters and builders of intentional relationships. I’m Dr. Love, and today we’re tackling a crucial, often overlooked question: Are you truly ready for the relationship you want?
For the last decade, I’ve worked with hundreds of clients suffering from what I call “Swipe Fatigue”—the deep exhaustion that comes from meeting person after person who simply isn’t aligned with their relationship goals. The problem, I’ve found, is rarely about desirability. It’s about intentionality and self-awareness.
You can’t build a healthy partnership unless you know the blueprint of your own heart. That’s why the psychometric movement in modern dating, exemplified by tools like Nectar’s Loveprint assessment, is so vital. It forces us to stop treating dating as a lottery and start treating it as a mindful construction project. It provides a shared language to articulate our deep-seated needs, preferences, and, most critically, our current capacity for commitment.
The core philosophy of STB (Start To Build) is this: Your relationship success hinges on your level of self-mastery. The Loveprint and its companion, the Relationship Readiness Score, offer a powerful starting point for that self-mastery.
Beyond the Bio: The Loveprint as Your Relationship Blueprint
We all have predictable patterns in love—how we fight, how we seek comfort, and how fast we open up. The Loveprint assessment, developed with relationship scientists, takes these complex behavioral patterns and translates them into a simple, four-letter code.[1, 2] Think of this code not as a fixed label, but as a detailed schematic of your operating system in close relationships.
Let’s break down the four core dimensions, as each one holds profound implications for your compatibility and conflict management:
The Four Essential Axes: Where Your Relationship Style Lives
-
- Communication Style: Active vs. Reflective
This axis determines how you handle conflict. Are you an Active communicator who believes issues should be solved immediately in the moment? Or are you Reflective, needing space and time to process emotions before you can respond intentionally?[3, 4]
The Dr. Love Analogy: An Active person sees a conflict as a burning house—they rush in immediately to put out the fire. A Reflective person sees it as a fire alarm—they need to step outside to gain perspective and ensure their response is deliberate, not reactive. My clinical experience, deeply informed by Gottman’s work, shows that unmanaged Reflective retreat can look exactly like the toxic behavior of “stonewalling”.[5] This requires a proactive strategy, which we’ll cover below.
-
- Partnership Style: “I” vs. “We”
This dimension is all about the balance between individual autonomy and relational fusion.[6] Are you a “We” Person who prioritizes shared time and integrating your world with your partner’s? Or are you an “I” Person who cherishes independence, separate hobbies, and privacy?[4, 7]
The Dr. Love Analogy: Think of a beautiful two-lane highway. The “We” person wants to drive side-by-side, sharing every mile. The “I” person wants separate, clearly marked lanes, confident that they are traveling in the same direction but requiring room to maneuver independently. The challenge here is setting healthy, explicit boundaries.
-
- Intimacy Style: Emotional vs. Physical
How do you primarily feel close and connected? Is it through Emotional intimacy—sharing deep thoughts, vulnerabilities, and personal histories?[3] Or is it through Physical intimacy—touch, affection, and physical presence?[8]
-
- Vulnerability Style: Open vs. Guarded
This axis dictates the pace and depth of self-disclosure. An Open individual shares their full package quickly to assess compatibility fast. A Guarded individual views their inner world as sacred, requiring trust to be earned gradually and things to “unfold organically”.[1, 5] This is often tied to an individual’s past attachment patterns, but the Loveprint reframes the Guarded style as a necessary, self-protective pace, not a defect.[1]
The Dynamic Meter: Interpreting Your Relationship Readiness Score
The four-letter type is only half the picture. The other crucial element is the Relationship Readiness Score, a numerical value from 1 to 10 that assesses your current capacity and intent for emotional investment.[5, 9]
Crucially, this is not a grade. It is an estimate, not a fixed calculation.[3] It’s a self-reported snapshot of your emotional availability, which is expected to change as your life phases shift. If you are focused on a career change or healing from a past breakup, a lower score is not a failure—it is simply an accurate reading of your emotional fuel gauge.
Here is how I recommend interpreting the readiness zones:
| Score Range | Readiness Level (Internal Focus) | Dating Intention |
|---|---|---|
| 1 – 3 | Exploring/Self-Focused | Not prioritizing a relationship; primary focus is personal growth.[3] |
| 4 – 7 | Connecting/Actively Seeking | Actively dating, seeking meaningful connections (Intentional).[3] |
| 8 – 10 | Prioritizing Bonding | High emotional availability; seeking long-term, committed partnership.[7] |
The power of the score comes when you pair it with your Loveprint type. For example, a “Guarded” person with a score of 9 shows a clear intention to commit, despite their cautious style. This signals a beautiful internal tension and a potential for growth—they are willing to work against their natural tendencies for the right person.
Actionable Growth: Turning Awareness into Secure Connection (STB Practice)
The Loveprint isn’t just for matching; it’s a self-improvement roadmap. For us at LovestbLog, the most valuable part is knowing the how-to for transforming awareness into action. Here are three tailored strategies for the most common relational challenges identified by the Loveprint.
1. For the Reflective Communicator: Mastering the Time-Out Protocol
Your need for space during conflict is valid, but silence can be misinterpreted as “stonewalling,” which damages intimacy.[5] Your growth challenge is to use your words to define your pause, rather than letting your absence speak for you.
Action Plan:
- Acknowledge and Request: Instead of walking away silently, use a clear, brief statement. “I can see this is important, but I’m getting overwhelmed and need 30 minutes to process. I don’t want to react, I want to respond.”
- Commit to Return: This is the critical step. Always state exactly when you will return to the conversation. “I will come back to you at 8:00 PM when I’ve had time to clear my head.” This turns an avoidance mechanism into an intentional, regulating tool.[4]
2. For the “I” Person: Active Boundary Definition
The “I” person’s value for independence is a strength, but if uncommunicated, it can feel like rejection to a partner seeking fusion. Healthy boundaries are what protect your autonomy and reduce codependency.[10]
Action Plan:
- Identify Non-Negotiables: Clarify what you need to recharge (e.g., “I need every Sunday morning completely solo for my hobbies” [7]).
- Communicate Respectfully: Present the boundary with a positive spin, focusing on the benefit to the relationship. For example: “I treasure our time, and because I want to bring the best version of myself to our relationship, I need my Thursday evenings to recharge with my friends”.[10]
- Be Consistent: A boundary isn’t a suggestion; it’s a rule. You must gently and firmly uphold it.[11]
3. For the Guarded Vulnerability Style: Graduated Self-Disclosure
If you are Guarded, your motto is “Trust must be earned”.[1] Your goal isn’t to become instantly “Open,” but to accelerate the trust-building process safely. We do this by increasing the frequency of low-risk connection attempts.
Action Plan (The Bids for Connection):
The psychologist John Gottman calls small attempts at connection “Bids”.[12] For the Guarded person, this is your training ground:
- Practice Low-Risk Bids: Instead of immediately sharing a deep childhood trauma, start small. Share a minor observation, a low-stakes worry, or an enthusiastic opinion on a neutral subject.
- Observe the Response: Pay attention to how your partner responds. Do they “Turn Towards” your bid with interest and empathy (e.g., asking a follow-up question or making eye contact)? Or do they “Turn Away”?[13]
- Disclose Based on Trust: Only when you consistently see the partner “Turning Towards” your bids can you allow yourself to move to the next, slightly deeper layer of vulnerability.[1] This process respects your need for caution while moving the relationship forward.
Final Thoughts from Dr. Love
The greatest predictor of relationship satisfaction isn’t having the same Loveprint as your partner; it’s the capacity to manage your differences effectively.[2] The Nectar framework gives you the language to understand those differences. True compatibility is not finding a mirror image; it’s finding someone who respects your “Reflective” pauses, cheers for your “I” person independence, and patiently earns the key to your “Guarded” inner world.
I encourage you to take this moment to look inward. What does your Loveprint reveal about the relationship work you need to do for yourself?
Your Turn: If you’ve taken the Loveprint test, what letter did you find most challenging to integrate with a partner, and what concrete strategy did you use to overcome the friction? Share your “Start To Build” insights in the comments below—let’s grow together.